There are no bad owners, only bad dogs

2005-06-03

Flock of Fat Asses

My brain hurts from being one of the very few sane people living in a really fucked up world!!

I stumbled across the re-enactment of the Trial of the Century on (I think) the E! network as I was flipping. It was the day after Jay Leno’s testimony, so they had an actor with an enormous fake chin, but the dude they have playing Michael looks abso-fucking-lutely ridiculous and scary and … well, I guess realistic. I was transfixed by the whole thing. I hope those guys didn’t quit their waiter jobs.

Can you imagine sending your kid to acting school or dance lessons or whatever to have him or her end up putting that sort of crap on their resume? A long time ago when there were Kroger stores here and thus Kroger ads on the busy box, there was an ad about cutting prices that featured a ballet-type dancing woman dressed as a pair of scissors, cutting prices with her plies or her jetes or whatever.

Position Desired: Principal Dancer
Education: Important Dance Academy
Experience:
May, 2000: Scissors
September, 1999: Peter and the Wolf
June, 1998: Bumblebee

Yes, I studied at Julliard. Yes, I can play the part of office supplies. Tape dispenser? No problem.

Last week I removed my space bar from my keyboard in order to dig out all of the crumbs that were causing it to stick. Now it sticks even more! King Midas, with shit!


I do occasionally do more than watch reality teevee, although you’d never know it (I hung shelves in the monkey’s room yesterday!), but I cannot hide the viewing pleasure I got from Hit Me Baby One More Time. It was crapulent in its badness. Has-been pop stars perform one of their classic hits plus one cover of someone else’s song, are voted upon (by whom?), and the winner gets $25,000 toward their favorite charity. I’m telling you, these people all could have used the cash themselves. Loverboy should now be called Tubbyboy or RecedingHairlineBoy and they’re still doing 100 shows a year. Where? Hospices? And Flock of Seagulls --- Flock of Bloated Tick is more like it. Tiffany’s boobs are E Normous – was she in Playboy?

I don’t think I’ll be a regular viewer for two reasons:

1) It’s funny because it’s sad in a tragic, wasted-life sort of way;
2) Vernon Kay is the host.

I am one of the few people in the US who have been exposed to Vernon Kay’s stellar career as radio host on BBC4 and game show host on some crappy game show. Take him back to England now, please. We can’t understand a fucking word he says and the 70’s called and wants his hairstyle back.


Things are heating up in the LaZBoy scandal. His wife (also works here) approached me yesterday, fishing for info and telling me the sad tale of how depressed he is and how he hates his job. He has been missing work and taking sick days due to a back injury, and this started weeks and weeks ago. She told me yesterday that playing volleyball was one of his favorite things in life and he hasn’t missed a game this season. Let that sink in for a second…. This may be the end of him. There’s a whole lot more, but it’s so complicated to explain, but I think it should suffice to say that she’s angry and confused, like you get when your husband LIES TO YOU FOR MONTHS, and the shit is just about to hit the fan big time. I believe the piper will show up on his doorstep any day now with an invoice. Yesterday she was heard on the phone to him, telling him that if EduMart was going to treat him this way, he should just put in two week’s notice. Yes! Listen to her!


Yesterday I spent $72 at the grocery store and came home with only 4 food items, one of which was alcoholic. The rest went for pet foods and treats as well as hardware and electronic supplies. Dude, I love American grocery stores!

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