There are no bad owners, only bad dogs


It's like the Midas touch, only with shit.

Second attempt at an entry:

My first attempt was so funny and entertaining that if the writers of the Simpsons had seen it, I would already be on a plane to Hollywood with a big fat check in my purse. Because I'm not very bright, I accidentally deleted it with the escape button, which I thought was the tab button. So you don't get the funny stuff; you get this crap instead.

I'm thinking of starting my own business. I have the ability not only to spit blood from my eyes when I'm angry, but to turn anything I touch to crap. That's all I'll say about the birthday surprise for now. Let's just say that the best laid plans don't always result in someone getting laid. My plans always gang agley.

So I absolutely love Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, so I assumed that Queer Eye for the Straight Girl would be marginally tolerable. Nope.

The episode that I saw dealt with an Asian girl who was always getting in trouble at work for dressing like a stripper. She had dyed her hair blonde at some point (about 5 inches in the past) and the natural color was growing out. The decorating and food segments were pretty dull because this cast was no match for Thom and Ted, but the wardrobe and grooming segments were like watching a train wreck. The girl's issue: dressed like a whore. How did they end up dressing her? Well, they described the new look as classic, conservative, and classy. I would describe it as, umm, errr, a bit like a whore. True, they got rid of the lucite strappy platform sandals, but that was about the only step in the right direction. But the best part was when they took her to the salon. I assumed that they'd color her hair back to its original PRETTY color, maybe with some red and/or blonde highlights to bring the funk, but no. They colored it blonde. Slutty clothes and blonde hair on the Asian girl who was supposed to look classy and sophisticated when they were done.


So I'm guessing that if this band of morons were ever assigned to add some style to my life, they'd perm my hair and dress me in frumpy, shapeless clothes. They'd probably also counsel me to drink more and exercise less.

Anyone else sick of the Episode III hype? Anyone?

I'm re-doing my monkey's room because he's coming home on my birthday, so I've been reminiscing a lot due to the paint fumes and lack of TV in the room. Here are some highlights of my monkey's life:

1. When he was going through the potty training thing, I used to put the potty chair in front of the tv because it was the only way to keep him sitting on it. Once he fell asleep on the crapper and the whole thing fell over with him still on it, with his pants around his knees. I have video of him lying on the rug with his bare butt hanging out.

2. When he was still crawling, I was always finding him next to the dogs' dish, cramming chubby fistfuls of dog food into his mouth and drooling brown gravy.

3. I also caught him cramming a dog turd into his mouth once. I attribute his excellent health and hearty immune system to this sort of thing.

4. He was convinced that goldfish crackers were cereal. He would eat them only from a bowl full of milk. It was very gross.

5. His first word was not Mommy. It was Howie, the name of one of our cats.

6. He was really smart until he went to middle school. Now, not so much.

I miss my monkey.

Remember when those enormous sweaters paired with stretchy pants were actually in style? If that ever happens again, I hope I'm already dead.

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birth & death