There are no bad owners, only bad dogs


Desperate Housewife Sleeps Her Way to Lower Management.

Blah blah blah interesting, blah blah blah witty. That is as close as it's going to come today, reader. This weekend was spent in a mostly productive and therefore bowel-wrenchingly dull mode -- can I regale you with the tale of how I yanked all of the dead bamboo out of my back yard? No? Ha. Already did. I have so much bamboo in my driveway right now, I could open up my own Pier 1. I don't know how to bundle it for pick up without scarring myself even further, so I may just drag it into the pedophile's yard, douse it with gasoline, toss in a lit match, and watch the madcap antics ensue. I'll make sure to have the chase scene music from Benny Hill playing in my head as I watch.

I think that if I could have any superpower taken from an animal species, I would choose to shoot blood from my eyes whenever I'm angered. It's not like it would actually accomplish anything, but it would be so much fun. I'd be anemic after one day with this power!

Does anyone else work with someone like this? WorkSlut is getting a divorce. She has been talking about it for two years, but it seems it may actually happen soon. She used to be a marginally entertaining person to be around, but she has gradually become a person who sucks all of the oxygen from the room in her desperate need for attention. No matter what the topic of conversation is, she tries to switch it to herself: she wants a baby, her husband had an affair, her husband thinks she's fat, people keep gossiping about her. When she married, her husband already had a vasectomy and they BOTH agreed they didn't want children. Her husband had an affair, she had several affairs. Her husband doesn't think she's fat -- she likes to use this one around men so they can tell her she's hot. She starts her own rumors. She baby-talks whenever she needs extra attention and spends all day on the phone talking about her impending divorce and how she's going to keep the house. She has been sleeping around this company and our rather small industry for a while, and lies about her affairs all of the time. She tells different lies to different people instead of being consistent and telling everyone the same thing. My favorite WorkSlut drama involves me. One night when I was walking my trash hounds, we went past her house which is only a couple of blocks from mine. Her husband was out of town. She was home, however, with the VP of our company who had just given her a big temporary promotion. The sight of this freaked me out because I like to pretend that I live in a world where hard work makes a difference. They saw me walking away, apparently, because they went into full panic denial mode (he's married, too). So she called me about ten times but I was already on the phone with greggers and Tina, so I didn't switch over because I knew it was her. She left two messages with stories about how VP dude was looking to buy a house and she just wanted to show him the neighborhood (at 9:30 p.m.), blah blah. The only people I told were those two already mentioned, both of whom have a vault like Fort Knox. But the next day, certain that I was going to tell everyone I knew that I'd seen him at her house, explaining her sudden rise in the company structure, she began a disinformation campaign. The only problem being that there was no information to discredit. Therefore, she started her own rumors about sleeping with the VP, then got mad that there were rumors.

It was entertaining for a while, but now I'm just too tired of it. Does that make me a bad person? If I go ahead and make it so she can't bother me no more, then am I a bad person? The bottom line is, how can I become a seriously worse person in this situation?

2 comments so far

birth & death