There are no bad owners, only bad dogs


In which not much happens, but I cover lots of territory.

I am currently sitting in a “seminar,” listening to a very, extremely, exceptionally gay man talk about the small town in Alabama where he was born. He is supposed to be talking about something else entirely.

It’s been a whirlwind of dullness and frantic tedium. I have been on an odyssey (Is that the time I rented a mini-van?). It began with a journey on United Airlines, which sucks so much ass that I can’t even begin to describe the ass suckiness. It began with United Airlines landing their suck-ass plane in Denver and then not driving the plane up to the jetway for a period of 40 minutes because another plane was in our spot. I had 45 minutes to make my connection, which I of course did not make. When I got off the plane I went to the connecting gate, which was about 40 yards away, and saw the Buddy Holly plane sitting there. Yay! But the gate agent a) wouldn’t get off the fucking phone, and b) when she finally did, she told me that the flight was closed. The next flight to Casper left in two hours.

So I went over to “Customer Service,” where a surly bitch told me that the flight that left in two hours was overbooked, so I would have to wait for six hours. I’m surprised the vein that was bulging out of my forehead didn’t rupture all over her bitter, sallow, pinched face. But sadly, it didn’t. So I headed off to the bar. On my way to the bar, I saw Dog the Bounty Hunter in all of his leather-bound, braided glory. Brush with fame! LoudGirl was also in the Denver airport on her way to elsewhere, so we had a cocktail together.

Finally, onto the plane. Got to Casper, but my luggage was nowhere to be found. Still in Denver, they tell me. No more flights tonight, they tell me. We’ll get it to you tomorrow, they tell me. What time? I ask. Afternoon, they say. Well, I have to drive for three hours tomorrow afternoon to do the second performance of the road show. They’ll TRY to get it to me before I leave. Brilliant.

So I get to the hotel in the clothes I’ve been wearing all day and eat some crappy hotel food, then go to bed. Then I get up, put on my travel wear, which reeks of airport, and do some training presentation for about 5 hours. Finally my luggage shows up. Into the car, off down the highway in the blowing snow. I’m being driven by a client who refuses to go faster than 40 mph. In Wyoming everyone drives about 90, maybe even faster when it’s icy. After being passed by a school bus, eventually we got to a very, very ugly place. Our hotel appeared to be converted from a strip mall or a bowling alley. It was gross. We decided to eat dinner elsewhere, as the hotel appeared to be haunted. We headed out to a steak house. Steak! No surprises there – what can you do to steak? When my salad came, it had a handful of corn Chex on it instead of croutons. This puzzled me.

Next day, same presentation. No driving that afternoon as the next day, Wednesday, was a travel day. This meant that we spent two nights in the filthy, gross, haunted strip mall hotel. The next day we drove to a beautiful location (at 40 mph). I discovered that Pumpernick’s puts msg into its buffalo burgers and spent a bit of time indoors while my body purged itself of the MSG. Same presentation in the morning. Drive more. Cross Continental Divide. See elk, but from really far away. Client pulls to the side of the road to give me a good look at the elk. Tell client that those are cows, not elk. See a lot of antelope and mule deer, but they didn’t seem to be playing.

Friday. Finally. Got up, got dressed in clean clothes, did presentation, left for airport. YAY! Buddy Holly Air to Denver, made connection with no problem. Got home – YAY! Luggage – in Denver. If I may be redundant for a moment: United Airlines sucks ass.

I spent Saturday painting, taping, and floating at the greggers’ new house. I listened to his mom and dad argue. I looked at 48 different shades of beige: Winter Beige, Summer Beige, Popular Beige, Ecru, Eggshell, Ivory, Deep Ivory, Aspen in the Shade, Warm Beige, Cool Beige, Beige. Pick one and start painting was my advice. The greggers’ mom laughed at me like I was crazy and a little dangerous. Pick one? You can’t just pick one! There are dozens of painted squares, all varying shades of beige, all over the house. This one is too blue. This one, too green. That one, too neutral. Call me when you’re really ready to paint. It’s fucking beige.

Then Sunday, into the car and off to Dallas for some Crappy Online University seminars. I got quite lost once I got downtown, because that’s how I roll. Today’s class featured an elderly woman, a fellow student, who made random, inane comments for 3.5 hours. Plus the gay professor, who says “axed” instead of “asked.” What have I, What have I, What have I done to deserve this? Well, I like the Pet Shop Boys, for one. I can go home on Friday. The earlier the better.

OH! I almost forgot the best part: LaZBoy is “no longer with the company.” Finally! I think they had to fire him via FedEx or by dropping leaflets onto his house, but it has actually finally happened. His wife is now sending emails out to other EduCorps, telling former colleagues that her brilliant husband “left the company.” She is actually shilling for new jobs FOR HIM. He’s not even motivated enough to do that for himself! There was a rumor that Mrs. LaZBoy had walked off the job because they fired her genius husband, but that seemed to be inaccurate. I hear more about what goes on at EduMart from the good folks over at EduTech, but sometimes their intel is not accurate. So, you stretchy-clothes-wearing, head-banded, lumpy bitch, take your superior glares and shove them up the out-hole.

So that’s what I’ve been doing. I haven’t seen my pets in a week and a half and it’s driving me insane. They’re at various boarding facilities, because since the last time I had a pet-sitter, I ended up with a $1200, 3-legged cat. Two weeks boarding for four pets may also add up to $1200, but no one should lose a limb in the deal. Katy will be quite cool and stand-offish to me until she wants a walk, then it will all be OK again.

I’m off to my hotel room to see if housekeeping has come and gone yet so I can put on fuzzy pants and do some work.

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