There are no bad owners, only bad dogs


I Got Your Glib Right Here, Buddy!

1968 was the Summer of Love. Aught five Ė that will be known as the Summer of Shit. The Summer of Too Much Work, Too Little Time. The Summer That I Killed Myself and Several Others Due to a Cicada on the Hood of my Car.

This morning as I backed out of my driveway, I noticed a tiny carcass on my hood Ė a bright green and white turd-shaped thing that didnít fall off when I shifted into first gear. Still there on the first turn and at the first stop sign. Thatís when I kind of lost track of the outside world and became obsessed with keeping that damn thing right there on the hood of my car. I finally realized that I had lost my mind and that there are OTHER CARS ON THE ROAD and theyíre filled with people who donít really give a ratís ass about the cicada on my hood. But I kept him there til I got to the highway. Woot!

Dear Tom Cruise,

Congratulations on your engagement! You are so lucky to have had so many relationships with so many beautiful, famous actresses! And no normal people! I mean, why would you pay any attention to a normal woman when you donít get any attention for it? I bet Katie will let you borrow her clothes like that beeyotch Nicole wouldnít. And have tea parties!

Anyhoo, Iím really glad you put that glib mofo Matt Lauer in his place. I mean, what does he know with his stupid college degree from Ohio University? Isnít that just like a diploma mill or something? You got everything you needed from high school so why would you even bother to go to college? Especially when you can learn everything you need to know from being in Risky Business and Losiní It! And certainly those things prepare you for understanding medical research papers!

By the way, Iíve stopped taking my medication that has helped me for years under the care of trained physicians and switched to VITAMINS because you said so and because you know the history of psychiatry and you were in Minority Report! I donít even believe in schizophrenia anymore because you said so! Brooke Shields is just a big dope with her therapy Ė vitamins, Brooke. Sheesh.

Anyway, thanks for helping me make my life better. I have enclosed a pair of black fishnet thigh-highs for you to wear when youíre alone and just want to be yourself.


P.S.: If you would just please make a movie with J Lo then I could watch your careers swirl down the crapper together and that would rock!

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