There are no bad owners, only bad dogs

2005-06-15

Congratulations!!

Dear Mr. Jackson,

High five on the good news! You really DO know how to �Beat It.� Ha ha! You really OJ�ed that jury good. Mad respect, my brother. I am disappointed that no one ever said "If the kid can shit, you must acquit!" Even though I know you like getting cornholed and all, I wasn�t sure how well you�d do in prison, what with the starchy diet and weight lifting, etc. You have just about convinced me to move to California so I can continue my hobby of doing whatever I feel like and not having any consequences. Eureka!

Anyhoo, I can�t wait until your next album is released. I am already in line to buy it! J/K, but I totally would be, because you really truly are the King of Pop. So, when are you going to have more babies? They don�t stay young and fresh forever (but I certainly don�t need to tell YOU that � I mean, I would have stopped molesting McCauley Culkin at the same time you did, what with the oily skin and sullen demeanor) so you better have another one in the pipeline soon!

I have enclosed $5 to help you with your mounting debt. I hope that if you sell your share of the Beatles catalog, you go ahead and keep Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds for yourself, because I just never got it. I mean, it just doesn�t make any sense, so I won�t be particularly inclined to buy any like shoes or electronics that they try to sell with that song. Picture myself where? What�s the point? Why doesn�t anyone ever use Another Pleasant Valley Sunday to sell things? It�s like my favorite Beatles song, ever.

So I have this child of my own, so we have so much in common! He�s kind of �special,� though. I�m pretty sure he�d flunk out of welding school! Last summer he spent like $20 just on ringtones for his phone � what a dope! So I was thinking, since he�s like, not �all there� and he hasn�t started growing any man hair yet, maybe we could come and visit you at your ranch because, like, you�ve been cleared of all charges, just like I knew you would be!

Let me know about the visit � our bags are already packed! Yes, including the KY jelly (they don't really make that stuff in Kentucky, FYI!!)

Call me!

xxoo
TwoBadDogs

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