There are no bad owners, only bad dogs



Dear Mr. Jackson,

High five on the good news! You really DO know how to “Beat It.” Ha ha! You really OJ’ed that jury good. Mad respect, my brother. I am disappointed that no one ever said "If the kid can shit, you must acquit!" Even though I know you like getting cornholed and all, I wasn’t sure how well you’d do in prison, what with the starchy diet and weight lifting, etc. You have just about convinced me to move to California so I can continue my hobby of doing whatever I feel like and not having any consequences. Eureka!

Anyhoo, I can’t wait until your next album is released. I am already in line to buy it! J/K, but I totally would be, because you really truly are the King of Pop. So, when are you going to have more babies? They don’t stay young and fresh forever (but I certainly don’t need to tell YOU that – I mean, I would have stopped molesting McCauley Culkin at the same time you did, what with the oily skin and sullen demeanor) so you better have another one in the pipeline soon!

I have enclosed $5 to help you with your mounting debt. I hope that if you sell your share of the Beatles catalog, you go ahead and keep Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds for yourself, because I just never got it. I mean, it just doesn’t make any sense, so I won’t be particularly inclined to buy any like shoes or electronics that they try to sell with that song. Picture myself where? What’s the point? Why doesn’t anyone ever use Another Pleasant Valley Sunday to sell things? It’s like my favorite Beatles song, ever.

So I have this child of my own, so we have so much in common! He’s kind of “special,” though. I’m pretty sure he’d flunk out of welding school! Last summer he spent like $20 just on ringtones for his phone – what a dope! So I was thinking, since he’s like, not “all there” and he hasn’t started growing any man hair yet, maybe we could come and visit you at your ranch because, like, you’ve been cleared of all charges, just like I knew you would be!

Let me know about the visit – our bags are already packed! Yes, including the KY jelly (they don't really make that stuff in Kentucky, FYI!!)

Call me!


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birth & death