There are no bad owners, only bad dogs


We were out of Ghirardelli.

I get almost all of my news from CNN (and E!, of course). This morning there was a story about the President of the Ethnic Stereotypes Club. A cop from NYC whose last name is Italian has been arrested(?)/indicted(?) for being a hit man for the mafia. As you can see, I don't pay attention to the frivolous facts in the news, but an Italian cop as mafia hit man? That's rich. Apparently, there's a Chinese dude who was arrested for bad driving, a Scot who was arrested for being miserly (or was that a Jew...?), and an Irishman arrested for public drunkenness. Is Barry Sobol in charge of the news division at CNN now?

There's a very accurate test out now that can detect the presence of MSG in food. It basically consists of having me eat food and then waiting half an hour to see if I start crapping like a goose (watery and green). Today's test of chef salad proved positive. Even a whole bag of Twizzlers doesn't have this much effect. Not that I've ever eaten a whole bag. Today.

LaZBoy got a written reprimand (finally!) today for the cumulative sum of two years of not coming to work for days at a time, leaving work early (11-ish) on the rare days he does show up, and showing up at meetings unprepared. He's sitting in his cubicle right now sucking his teeth and playing with his cell phone. Every 15 seconds: SuckSuck. SuckSuck. Oh, how I wish I had a car battery, some clamps, and the know-how to make his nipples spark.

I sit near a dude who weighs about 110 pounds, doesn't seem to be able to close his eyes (think Toni on Paradise Island), and DOESN'T HAVE AN INSIDE VOICE. I know his social security number, his weekend plans, and what dentist he uses. My favorite kind of phone call is when he uses his speaker phone and turns it way up because then my ears bleed. And when he's using his speaker phone, he's not even BOTHERING TO WRITE ANYTHING DOWN. I may have to bludgeon him to death later with my stapler.

These people I know are getting divorced and instead of being sad, I'm trying to figure out how to get a good deal on their grill and their power washer. There are a few other items I wouldn't mind having, but those two are the big prizes in the death of their marriage as far as I'm concerned. No, I'm not really that cold and uncaring, it's just that I've been watching this union die for a long time and the crying and the cheating and the arguments... I am that cold and uncaring. Never mind.

Last night Katy ate most of a small gift box of Godiva chocolates that I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I HAD. How can I keep things out of the reach of this monkey/dog/hummingbird thing when I don't even know they exist? No need for dog lovers to be concerned -- she is impervious to the toxic effects of chocolate. It doesn't even give her a tummy ache. I think that all of the trash and cat shit she eats must work as a filter that boosts the capacity of her liver. No lectures or stern glances will be accepted.

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