There are no bad owners, only bad dogs


It's a game I never win.

This weekend: BB gun + pedophile = hours of family fun!!

Greg and I both noticed independently that if you're on the street behind mine, you have a clean shot into their back yard. It's just BBs. It's only vandalism. To hurt this old coot with a BB gun, I'd have to bludgeon him to death with it. Hmmmm...

Did you ever have a friendship end in a way that is eerily similar to a boy-girl breakup? Greg is going through a thing now that I went through when I was in college. There was this girl, Jean, who I liked but she was really shy and didn't talk to many people. When she figured out that she could talk to me, she was all over me like a duck on a junebug. I had to sneak out of my dorm room to go anywhere because if she saw me, she'd go along. Eventually I had to tell her, "Hey, I really like you and everything, but you just have to give me some space right now." How gay does that sound? But I'm not that good at sneaking and I just couldn't take it anymore. And she responded by having a crying fit that lasted for days. Apparently, men go through friend breakups, too. When they do this, they act like girls who are in middle school.

This is an unstoppable force. This is an immovable object. This morning my right hand was stuck through the loops on the leashes of both the force and the object. In other words, my right hand was the fulcrum. Or some other smartsy-fartsy word. The opposing forces, the vectors going in opposite directions, the sheer crushing crushyness of the crushitude... The quarry, the prize that the unstoppable force needed to get to? Cat shit in someone's yard. She almost fucking broke my arm for a delicious, soft, chewy bite of cat crap.

There's a dude who works here who is picking his nose every time I pass his office and he just got promoted to VP. If I come to work every day with a camel toe, will that advance my career? What will digging ear wax out of my ear with a fingernail do? What if I go on to inspect that waxy fingernail? That should get me at least one pay grade, don't you think?

Am I the only person who routinely has to play the game of "What's That Smell?" in my house? Here are the rules: Follow nose into kitchen. Narrow the playing field to refrigerator corner. Segue to moving the refrigerator. Cue the music from either "Jaws" or "The Exorcist." Send in the scrappy mutt (see "unstoppable force" above) to complicate matters. Slowly pan down to floor under the fridge. As it moves back, a piece of string is revealed. More string, more string, why is the string attached to a rat corpse? Cue screaming and jumping around like an idiot. Shoo dog out of kitchen as she appears to be interested in eating rat corpse. Try to pry corpse off floor -- get dustpan to crowbar corpse off floor as bodily fluids have long since been released and subsequently dried, effectively gluing corpse to floor. Marvel at just how light a dessicated rat is. Sweep up rat droppings. Mop floor with bleach. Replace refrigerator. End of game.

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birth & death