There are no bad owners, only bad dogs


Prizes for the best prank suggestions.

So last night, about 10 p.m., my dogs were happily playing with a toy and making out on the couch when they heard Timmy fall down a well and they ran outside to chew on his succulent flesh. Instead of Timmy, they found two neighbor dogs running around like maniacs outside. The loose dogs ran up to my fence and began a conversation with Buster and Katy that went something like this:

Lab mix neighbor dog: ARF! ARF! ARF! WagWagWagWag
Spitz neighbor dog: YIP! YIP! YIP! YIP! Running in circles.

Hearing this conversation, I went outside to see what was causing the commotion. The neighbor dogs ran up to me and the Lab mix tackled me and began licking me. They had no collars on and I wasn't sure who owned them.

By this time, others had poked their heads out to see if I was rolling a bum or what. One of my neighbors told me which house the dogs belong to, so I proceded to take them home, still wagging and barking (them, not me).

Just then, Mrs. Pedophile stuck her head out her front door and yelled "SHUT UP!!" at me or my dogs or the world. This irritated me no end due to the fact that... well, who cares. These people irritate me by their very existence. Die already. Just lay down and walk quickly toward the light. I began to hope that they would just go ahead and call the police and complain so I could put the posters back up. I dare you, you shriveled up old bundles of hate and bitterness.

Anyway, it turns out that the two loose dogs had somehow opened the front door of their house and taken off on a road trip that lasted about three front yards. Of course, they didn't close the door behind them, so when I went up to the door, it was standing open which was somehow rather creepy. I was expecting to find bloody corpses and murderers caught in the act with dripping machetes and wild eyes. Instead, the dude came out, the dogs went in, he apologized, and it was no big deal except that the wife of a REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER yelled at my dogs to shut up. So I've spent hours trying to think of ways to annoy them, but sending Domino's pizzas over to their house and ordering magazine subscriptions for them just doesn't do it. Any suggestions are welcome.

In other Bad Dog News, yesterday Katy ate several Hot Tamales, a lot of cat food, and a lot of cat crap. The kittens were spayed and neutered without incident, and apparently the little girl was not pregnant (yet), just in heat. They were up and playing as soon as they got home, major surgery not being a deterrant to play.

As for my idyllic grocery store experience, I had a similar one at Target last night. Maybe people are just hyper-friendly here and I've gotten used to it. Maybe this is such a service-oriented economy that customer service is pounded into people's heads. Maybe I'm the village idiot and people are rude and I just don't realize it. I'm not saying that anyone here is particularly smarter -- once the greggers was asked upon ordering a cheeseburger, "Would you like cheese on that?"

It's raining today and my hair is ENORMOUS.

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