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View My Stats, bitch.
The gift is especially fond of falling as a entree into the world of pain and humiliation. I can trip over a molecule. Last night as I walked home from an evening out, I tripped over something probably slightly larger than a molecule, but I have no idea what it was. For all I know, a bony, ghostly, rotting hand came up out of the sidewalk and grabbed my ankle. I did an Olympic caliber face plant into the sidewalk, banging both knees and abrading the skin off the heels of both hands. But that�s all fairly pedestrian (ha!) in its quality and execution. The good part is that I think I may have broken my nose. Distracted by the pain in my knees and hands, I didn�t pay much attention to the nose until this morning, when I woke up and looked into the mirror and managed to stifle a scream. My nose was very swollen and one of my eyes was puffed almost shut. Plus, my hair was a frightful mess, but that�s really just me in the morning.
I put some ice on the bridge of my nose for a while, then checked again. Some puffing gone, enough for me to see that I have not one, but two nice shiners. My head hurts. A lot. Really, really hurts. Thump, thump, thump goes my head. It�s hard to know how much is hangover and how much is injury-related. I don�t care � I just want it to stop.
Please stop pounding, oh head. I will give you anything you want if you stop this madness. Whatever happened to that Stop the Madness Powter woman, anyway? Why aren�t we seeing her on the Surreal Life?
Anyway, let�s do a quick tally over the last 5 years. First, tripped on a rock while running, landed on a different rock, one that was all sharp and slicey. Saw what my kneecap looks like if I were inside-out boy. Twelve stitches.
About a year after that was the Halloween-at-the-drag-queen-pageant fall. Down a big, Scarlett O�Hara type staircase after just having sucked the helium out of a balloon so I could talk like Minnie. Broke a bone in my foot. Crutches.
I�m sure there are more in between there, but my head hurts too much to think. My nose hurts, too. I want bed.