There are no bad owners, only bad dogs

2005-01-26

The doctor says if I stop picking my nose it won't bleed as much.

Today I am feeling absolutely craptacular in most literalist of ways. I have developed a Krakatoa-esque case of Mud Butt�, which is always fun no matter where you are, but is the most fun at work. It may have been that damn mayo-wich yesterday.

So I'm in the bathroom, which is where you should go in these situations, kind of stuck in there for a while, and one of those sadistic kind of bitchy girls shows up. She pees, she flushes, she blows her nose, she lathers up her hands, washes them very thoroughly, dries them, and I'm thinking Yay! She'll leave and allow me to continue my suffering alone. But no. I hear the purse hit the counter, and the rummaging starts. She puts on hand lotion, perfume, lipstick, combs her hair, blows her nose again, and still doesn't leave. She must know how it feels to be the one trapped in the stall, jonesing for some privacy, but there's no sympathy. There must have been extended primping, I dunno. Twat.

I would go home early, but I have a "performance review" meeting with my boss at 3, and I'd hate to miss that. I mean, I will be fascinated to find out how my performance can possibly be reviewed under this cracker-ass cracker management team made up of skips, skaps, and scallywags who can't manage and who try to prevent work from being done. Just wondering...

So, due to a lack of non-bathroom related activity and to a lack of creativity, I am going to make a list of ugly men whom I find very attractive. Go ahead and mock me, but some of you will be forced to agree and others may even be on the list.

1. Billy Bob Thornton: I don't know what it is about him, but he just seems to ooze screen-pheromones at me. Except in Slingblade.
2. David Letterman: I mean, how goofy can one person look? How much money does one need before getting some orthodontia?
3. Steve Buscemi: Inexplicable.
4. Lyle Lovett: More explicable, but still not a knockout.
5. Nicholas Cage: He's really pretty funny-looking, but apparently others agree with me since he's been married to several hot babes (I think -- I'm not up on the later enter-mation/infotainment anymore, although I do know a lot about British D-list celebrities).

There should be many more, but I seem to have literally crapped my brains out.

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