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View My Stats, bitch.
That brings so many questions to mind. How drunk was he the night before? Two whiskeys in the morning? Maybe I should be a celebrity chef...
Another factoid gleaned from the news: The police are looking for a man in connection with an incident in which a man in the stands of a football match was yelling racial slurs at the members of the opposing team. The man was dark-haired, stocky, and had a goaty beard. In the US, we pronounce that facial hair as go-TEE. This guy�s beard was goaty. I wonder if he smelled bad and had huge testicles also.
In a rare moment of sanity, I skipped the company Christmas party last night. I realized that I know only a few people here (not for lack of friendliness on my part�I�m like a fucking beagle puppy), most of the ones I do know didn't go, and brushing my hair in return for 6 free drinks just wasn�t a good deal. I will brush my hair for a 10 drink minimum. Also, I would have been stuck at the mercy of either someone to give me a ride home or I�d have to call a taxi. Bleh. Better just to skip it. So I�m a hermit�but I�m a hermit with a bottle of wine and a bottle of vodka. I have an appointment for cocktails with a work friend today, so screw you. And that�s quite a sacrifice, because it means that I�ll miss the big finale of the X factor, which features my new dream boyfriend, Simon Cowell, who in real life scares the crap out of me for reasons I don�t understand. I�m pretty sure that if I met him in person I�d just wet myself, and not in a good way.
Notes to people who are coming to visit me:
1) When you take a shower, you will bump your elbows on the walls of the shower stall when you wash your hair. This will happen even if you stand carefully on the diagonal of the shower stall. When you turn around, you may accidentally open the door with your perky ass. If you have a semi, that will fling the door open and slam it into the sink.
2) The sink in the bathroom is so small that the airspace the faucet takes up over the sink covers most of the sinkal area. This means that when you brush your teeth, you will frequently end up spitting directly onto the faucet.
3) When you�re doing the Big Job (no, not that one � the other one), if you lean too far forward on the toilet, you�ll whack your head into the aforementioned tiny sink.
4) The toilet paper holder is right over the radiator, so when you�re done with the Big Job, you�ll have a warm and cuddly experience.
5) I�m not sure if pork roast or roast beef would be best for a holiday boof, so I�m getting both. I don�t think anyone can argue with that choice. No pudding, though. Not in the sense we think of it. No figgy pudding (not pudding), no Yorkshire pudding (again, not pudding), no black pudding (it�s fucking sausage, for christ�s sake�pudding? Who�s in charge here?).
6) Bring your own tylenol and some ibuprofen for me. That stuff is very expensive here.
Things I Actually Heard My Boss (the good UK one) Say Yesterday:
You fucking twat!
Fucking kack!
You fucking piece of shite!
Fucking IT fucking cunt fucking bastard!
All of this was directed at his laptop and the IT department. I don�t know what a kack is.