There are no bad owners, only bad dogs



When I get home, I'm going to be the first person in Texas to own one of these:

Which means, of course, that I'll be the first person to die in one of those. You know what that model of car is called? You guessed it: The Intimidator. No, I am serious.

Now that the election is over, I hope we can stop talking about important and timely issues and go back to the stories of pooping and farting. I like those.

But one last election thing: a colleague has just sent me this link . It seems a bit (ahem) dramatic and nosy. Not the colleague, the article. Don't call my country "once-great." We're the only ones allowed to do that. Tea-drinkin' sissies.

Today I saw a woman walking around wearing stretch nylon pants and her ass looked like two pillowcases full of tapioca. Note: check out the rear view before you leave your bedroom. Don't even take that shit to the kitchen. I thought each pillowcase full of tapioca might also contain one cat struggling to escape. There was far too much action for each step.

For Halloween, I carved a little face into a turnip and stuck a candle on it. Not really. But that's how they did it old school. What I really did for Halloween is have a respectable number of vodka tonics. Vodka is made from potatoes and potatoes are kind of like turnips.

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birth & death