There are no bad owners, only bad dogs



For all of the bitching that I do about life in general and life in the UK in particular, I must give credit where it is due. Not once in the 5 or 6 weeks that I've been here have I been almost squashed by a diesel-powered Canyonero with a Jesus fish on the back. Even better: I have not seen a single Jesus fish since I have been here. I find that beyond refreshing.

I have been given a sound scolding for using my cell phone too often. I am in a foreign country living in a flat with no phone, and I'm using my company cell phone too often. I may be hairy, but I am not an animal. I needs my phone. So, to make the situation easier to handle, I tried to go online and buy a cell phone today. I could not do so because the best deal I could find was with a company that insisted that I have a UK bank account. My credit cards weren't good enough for them.

Me: Sooo, what you're telling me is that you won't sell me a phone?

Them: Riiiiight.

Me: Because I don't have a UK bank account?

Them: Yes. Have a good day. Click. Buzzzz.

Me: Listen you limey bastard $%*&^%, $*&^%&^!!!

Them: Buzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

So I've essentially stolen a UK cell phone from my spawn which I will replace soon. The phone, not the spawn. It's one of those rat bastard pay-as-you-go-in-blood-and-the-inheiritance-of-your-children's-children plans. I've also signed up for a cheap long distance deal, which will probably work only between 7 am and 7:25 am except on Tuesdays when service is suspended. Guess where you can go to buy top up vouchers for this demon phone? Do I have to say it? The Post Office. Can you hear my teeth grinding all the way across the Atlantic? At the end of this deal, I will have no molars left at all, I am certain.

You know how some women can style their hair so it looks deliberately and stylishly messy and disheveled? I can't do that, but I have discovered that if I put my 'fro into a ponytail before I go to bed, the next day it almost approximates the deliberately disheveled look. Is that the second sign of self neglect?

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