There are no bad owners, only bad dogs


A Tall Glass of Lambrusco over Ice

My friend Terry has produced a million-dollar idea which is not nearly as good as mine. My million-dollar idea is: microwavable refried beans in a plastic squeeze bottle. His (second-rate) idea is related to his recent stay at a hotel in Minnesota which was hosting an Elk's convention. It was a drink-a-thon for the 60+ set. He said that all was quiet up until around noon, when the "meetings" would begin and the drinking would start. They had "flowcharts" in the meetings that didn't map out any processes -- they were just about the flow of booze. Now, I know my midwestern drinkers, so I'm guessing that there was a lot of Lambrusco (in a tall glass over ice), Brandy old fashioned sweets, and Brandy old fashioned sours. Maybe a Manhattan or two. When I was a cocktail waitress back before the turn of the century, I had a customer tell me the amazing story of how he and his wife went to New Orleans, and when she ordered a glass of Lambrusco, they brought it to her warm, in a wine glass. He was offended by the pretentiousness of it all.

Anyway, back to the Elks. The boozage continued until the early morning hours, and was accompanied by (you need to make the mental picture to get the full benefit) Elks flashing one another. That's right -- saggy, flaccid, pendulous flashing.

Terry's idea that stemmed from this is: "Elks Gone Wild." I don't know who he has planned for the host. I think even Snoop Dog has enough sense to stay far away from that shit. Can you see the odd, asymmetrical patterns of pixillation that will have to accompany the ads?

Of course, Terry is the same person who became obsessed with the Fold It Right and watched the demonstration over and over again, silently shaking and weeping. This was at work, too. I'm not sure why he's my friend.

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