There are no bad owners, only bad dogs

2006-11-26

Too cute.

Hold onto your hats. Cute is in da house. I placed a classified ad on Petfinder because the Boxer rescue people seem to have their heads up their butts and I donít know how much they will actually help me after all. I have been sort of counting on their help and really reluctant to see the babies go which resulted, as most things do, in apathy and inaction on my part. There are so many assholes in the world and I just want to keep these babies safe forever. Katy feels differently. They mob her with much glee whenever she goes outside and nibble at her useless nipples (all 7 of them) (7 nipples, that is, not puppies) until she jumps two feet into the air and then growls at them. She steals their food a lot, resulting in an early arrival of her annual winter plumping. I discovered recently that she has a tapeworm, people, and she has still gained weight. Now I have a dilemma. I donít really want to treat the tapeworm because then sheíll really get sausage-y. And shiny. Thank god itís a bad year for pecans, or she might burst her skin with her plumpness. It is my occasional habit to take a nightcap to bed with me to sip as I read (I am currently reading ďThe Tender Bar,Ē a memoir by an alcoholic because I love irony). Last night my nightcap was a White Noggin, that delicacy of my own creation: Egg nog + vodka + Kahlua. I did not finish the White Noggin, and left most of it there. I forgot about it when I went to brush my teeth, so it sat on the floor next to my bed until this morning. I was roused from my sleep by a very steady, methodical sound that I just couldnít place. It was sort of like a clock ticking, but I donít have a ticky clock in my bedroom. It was sort of like a turn signal, but I donít have one of those in my bedroom either. Turns out is was Katy drinking my leftover White Noggin. Very shiny dog. I was kind of hoping sheíd get a little drunk and make a pass at Sweety Pie, but this didnít happen.


So I put this ad on Petfinder, and hereís a response I got (I actually got this response 5 times, and itís also been sent to at least 20 other email addresses):
Hello, i was able to came across your advert today concerning the pet adoption you posted for sale and i am much interest in re_ homing your pet at a companion and also a member of my family, because i have passion and care for pet.i spent much of my time taking care of my lost pet and i lost her on my way taking her to vet clinic for neuture, since then live has been unbearable for my family expecially my son who care for pet more that anything he does. I'm a christain and i live in Hartford CT i also have the pics of my house and My house was wood fenced and 8.87fts high, i have enough garden in my premises where the pet can roam about. i will appreciate it if you can assure me 100% that you will sale yours in replacement of my lost one.i dont know how happy my son will be to see another pet in replacement.You dont have to long for how to ship the pet.i will handle that my self with care. so i want you to get back to me with the adoption fees, present health condition, price, and pictures if available for more satisfaction. P.S: After getting to a better compromise, i will be paying with a money order in us dollars and i'll instruct my TRUSTEE in the state to issue a MO on your behalf which will include the price of the pet. And i would like to quote a poem for the pet. [Poem redacted to save your brain from bleeding.]
This gem was followed shortly by:
Hello, I am interested in buying PET and I live in London, I promise you is moving to a good family house who care and love PET if I may say , we even love and care for pet than any other thing, because we believe is also part of our family am taken the pet to my owned house with big backyard for them to play and to sniff around. the house belong to me and my family my backyard was fenced-up. More so I have an shipping agent and who are ready to come and pay you a visit for the pet after our conclusion also am ready to buy your pet and the cage if available for sales. so please let me have the picture and the price including your address also I want you to tell me more about it what he/she likes. I will like to inform you that I will prefer to send you a poster money order as method of payment I also have shipping agent representatives who will pay you a visit after the money have is clear because i am on a wheel chair, I have problem with my leg I can work but I have children who always play with pet at home after they are back from their school, but before they are back from their school I love to play with the pet at home they always make me happy and not to feel thinking all the days. so please I will be glad to hear good from you ASAP. Regards, john
I really truly believe that no one in London would give this moron a pet and thatís why heís turned to the colonies.
Thanksgiving passed uneventfully Chez les Chiens Mechants. I made a ham which meant that I heated it up for a few hours. It was just me and the monkey so I have 8 pounds of ham leftover. The ziplock baggie of leftover ham has been stolen from the kitchen counter once, I believe by Katy McZaftig. However, when she took it outside she was swarmed by puppies and dropped the bag. They grabbed some ham that fell out of the bag and boy, you wouldnít believe the baby growling, but I managed to rescue most of the ham. That probably grosses most people out Ė retrieving ham that had been hijacked by a dog, but nothing much ever grosses me out. I probably consume more dog hair than actual food every day. My X husband and I used to have contests to try to make each other queasy while eating with our horrible tales of medical gore, both human and animal. So if the ham stayed in the bag, itís still edible as far as Iím concerned. The monkey has been going through all kinds of adolescent angst which he brings on himself by his own pigheadedness. See, he wants to live with me and go to school in his fatherís district, which is not an option because I wonít drive him to school and pick him up every day because itís too freakiní far, gas is too freakiní expensive, getting along with his dad and stepmother is too freakiní important, and thereís a perfectly fine high school 3 blocks from here. But Iím evil for not agreeing to this scheme. Anyhoo, unlike the rest of the world, I will be glad when this holiday is over tomorrow and everyone is back to school and work so I can be like Greta Garbo. Keep in mind: Puppies can be shipped. To you.

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