There are no bad owners, only bad dogs

2005-08-23

I'm thinking of getting a Navy SEAL to help organize my closets.

I was informed today (in a rather snotty fashion) that I’m way out of the loop because I was excited about the new season of The Apprentice featuring Martha Stewart and everyone else knew about it YEARS ago, which makes me a big fat loser. Also, I was late to the party concerning a very dangerous show on the Fine Living channel (that I’m even allowed to watch this channel is a tribute to our freedom [which the terrorists hate]) called The Thirsty Traveler, which is a “travel” show that’s really about drinking. Why don’t I have that job? Oh, because I’m neither talented nor interesting, nor will I allow myself to be filmed or photographed.

So, my favorite pair of Harley-Davidson black leather clogs make my feet smell rancid, but I can’t stop wearing them because they go with everything, but I do have to remember not to kick them off under my desk at work unless I want people to think I’m eating a limburger/sardine sammich for lunch.

That fucking Burger King ad campaign is so horrifyingly scary – that wax king murders people when they’re sleeping. I’m sure of it. Do people really respond in a positive way vis a vis fast food purchases when they get the shit scared out of them? By a waxy dead-eyed false idol?

I have developed a new policy of standing up and leaving a meeting whenever someone says “…at the end of the day…” or “…the bottom line is…” And if I am the person who utters one of these phrases, I will not only stand up and leave, but then combust spontaneously.

Last evening I dined with someone who’s having a neighbor feud (I’m no stranger), but claims that her neighbor took revenge upon her for having a stone wall that touches his property by breaking into her house and … re-arranging her furniture. Is it just me, or is this the weirdest thing you’ve ever heard? It works both ways, whether it’s true or not (I vote for “not”). Also, apparently this dude is an ex-Marine. And he’s fucking re-arranging furniture? Seems highly unlikely…

It probably explains everything to know that I graduated from here . Twice.

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