There are no bad owners, only bad dogs

2005-06-01

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I believe I can truthfully say that I have gone through the looking glass. Because I am in a world that is TOPSY TURVY, people! Nothing makes sense and up is down and cats are mating with dogs!

I mean, I think that my usual world is a bit off-kilter in a good way. I think that everything here is a little out of focus, a little off the level, a little about to fall off the hinges, but thatís ok because itís fun and comfy and so what if the vaccinations are late or the major component of my diet is dog hair?

First, the small things. Reality TV whore update: Hellís Kitchen. British chef du jour, the cranky and far too effete Gordon Ramsey, bosses around a bunch of Americans who want to win their own restaurant. My favorite person so far is of course DEWBERRY, gay baker extraordinaire. That man can bug. his. eyes. like. nobodyís. bidness. In one episode so far, I must say that the correct person, bitchy Carolann, was exterminated. Play on the team or go home, moron! Youíre on desserts, not something complicated, doofus. But of course, the best part is that the master chef is a brit, because they are so well known for their fine cuisine.

Small thing 2: Thanks to Television Without Pity, I am now watching Britney and Kevin: Chaotic. This is not because Iím weak-willed or weak-minded, but because thereís nothing I like more than watching the mighty fall. Especially the stupid mighty. Colin Farrell, are you having a reality show soon? PleaseOhPleaseOhPlease... Cletus is the dumbest, smartest, evilest human being, the dirtiest, scruffiest, nastiest thing ever. Dublin does NOT deserve these idiots. I can smell him from here. (Britty just said, ďI started off being young.Ē Cretin.)

Kittens have just packed themselves into my purse.

Another reality whore moment: On Trading Spouses, there are always two distinctly different families divided by not only regional and social differences, but also by class, financial, and religious differences. Frequently the Bad People, the Hypocrites, the Morons, are the right-wing Christians. Bingo! On this episode, they actually had a Bible reading and prayer room in their palatial mansion. But they were bad bad bad evil greedy greedy materialistic ill-behaved rude people. Hello? Hello? I know that you never a) throw the baby out with the bathwater (how filthy was that critter, anyway?) or b) paint stuff with a different paintbrush (I donít think thatís right), but my personal experiences with Christians (with a capital C!!) have been similar. Some years ago, I had two very good friends, one who was married to a Jew (did I mention he was a dirty, filthy heathen?) and the other who was a righteous, upstanding, pious, holier than holy born-twice Christian. Guess who said whom was going to hell? Thatís right. You marry a Jew, youíre not saved. Click. Buzzzz. How can you maintain a relationship with someone who says that a person you care about is clearly going to burn in the eternal flames of Hell because she had the poor sense to wed a heathen? Hence, my hostility toward Christianity as I have experienced it.

HolyMoly I have a purse full of cute black kittens who were raised by dogs!!

So, the looking glass, et al. There are two situations that I live with in a constant state of huh?. One is WorkSlut. The other is LaZBoy.

WorkSlut: Dumber than a shoe. Not particularly talented. Did I mention dumb? I have a source of information that has filled in some blank spots. My very own Deep Throat. Oh my gawwd. Slutty McFuckerson? In the small amount of time that Iíve known her (she was married the whole time) she has had more sex partners than I have had. In my whole life. Ever. And sheís still stalking a guy who walked away from her years ago. She will NOT be ignored!! And sheís trying to hop companies in a small, tiny, minuscule, incestuous industry. But sheís not good at her job. She may be good at The Big Job, but, really, how far does that take you? Donít answer, I donít want to know.

LaZBoy: Fired? On FMLA? Dunno. Once HR gets involved, itís all fucked to fucking fuck. All day long with the phone calls and the emails: Is he fired yet? Now? Now? So? What about now? When he gets hisself fired, you'll hear the jubilation wherever you may be.

Another small thing: NPR was reporting about the monetary situation in Somalia. ... Like you do. ... So, anyhoo, itís a mess there. Thereís new money, but no one likes it because one denomination can be any number of different colors. The ink runs. Itís guaranteed by a non-existent bank. Was that the most interesting piece of news? Of course not. They interviewed a merchant, a store owner, who had to deal with the new and old currencies every day. The memorable part? His store sold two things: Beer and a type of cookie called Glucose Biscuits. Beer and cookies. Iím going to Somalia to open a store. Twizzlers and Mikeís Hard Lime.

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