Weird or Not Weird?
- I hate feet. I think they’re ugly and should be covered most of the time. Most people’s feet are crusty and gross.
- Although I’m capable of it in an emergency, I prefer to avoid pooping at work. What if you cut one or make something really stinky next to a VP? No promotion for you, StinkAss!
- I have no brand loyalty; I have some brand repugnance. I buy whatever is cheaper or closer, depending on my mood. I will avoid a brand that has screwed me before (note: this avoidance relates coincidentally only to hair products) but I will buy anything once, especially if it’s New and Improved. I don’t care how many plys anything has.
- I have dozens of books on How to Organize Your Life (for cretins, etc.). My life is not organized, but I never give up trying.
- I have a hard time staying mad at people, even when they’re crappy-ass crappersons. It’s just not worth the energy. Now, indifference, that I can hold onto for a good long time.
- I feel that the tissue paper toilet seat cover is an exercise in pointlessness. We have this stuff called “skin” that keeps germs from entering our bodies. Grow the hell up.
- I like bananas, but I don’t like anything that’s banana flavored. Likewise with peanut butter. Chocolate + peanut butter = vomit. Reese’s can keep their vomit cups.
- I like to go to bed early because I AM A MORNING PERSON.
I am constantly having to defend myself about whether or not (NOT!) these things make me weird. Defending myself against crusty-footed Reese’s eaters who require 8-ply toilet paper.
Do they do this in other places? Recently here in south Texas (“Howdy, howdy, howdy!), the law enforcement community has begun to park empty patrol cars on the shoulders of busy highways in order to deter the more motivated drivers. Every so often, there will be a live one in among the duds, so you can’t assume that all of them are empty and just continue on your way. One day last week, a local news station decided that this practice was NEWS and sent a camera crew out to film an empty cruiser parked next to the highway. The sight of the camera crew and the police car caused a lot of people to think there had been an accident, so they slowed down. Then the people behind them slowed down. For miles. And miles. I wonder if any of the geniuses at the TV station looked at that film and thought “Wow – these empty patrol cars are causing traffic jams on our highways.”
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