I did a round-trip to Phoenix yesterday which necessitated rising at 4 a.m., at which time Katy seemed overjoyed that I had finally caught on to the proper time for people to wake up and walk their dogs. She made big hound dog eyes at me when I left for the airport without walking the amazing creatures known as "Jerry's dogs."
When I got to the airport before 5 a.m., I expected to whisk right up to the counter, check in electronically, and go nap at the gate. Instead, there were dozens of high school students in line ahead of me, on their way to spring break in Costa Rica. And, no electronic check-in for America West. What the fuck? I never got to go to Costa Rica (or even Milwaukee) for spring break. Spoiled brats. So I stood in line for far too long with a vein throbbing in my forehead, until a gate agent FINALLY realized that I wasn't with their group and let me in front of them. What gave me away as not fitting in with their group? The fact that I was wearing a suit and hauling a computer bag instead of wearing pajamas and hauling a stuffed animal? My advanced years? The grinding sound my teeth made?
On the way back, I was fortunate enough to sit in the same row as a young man and his adorable 10-month old son. Adorable until we took off, at which time he proceeded to scream non-stop for 2 hours. He finally fell asleep as we began our descent. I was quite certain that the baby had shit his pants and dad didn't want to change them in the tiny bathroom until the plane landed and I stood up and got a whiff of the dude sitting in front of me. He smelled so shitty that now I'm sure HE had crapped his pants. P.U.
How could I forget the most important event of the past month?!? I am finally going to be wealthy beyond my wildest dreams. I am going to assist several civil servants in 3rd world countries, a service for which I'll be paid handsomely. See?
THROUGH THE SALE OF ALLOCATED OIL QUOTA TO MY COUNTRY BY NIGERIA
GOVERNMENT,I WAS ABLE TO MAKE EXCESS OF $48.7MILLIONUS, (FORTY EIGHT MILLION SEVEN HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLAR) THAT HAS BEEN DEPOSITED IN A EUROPEAN FINANCE COMPANY. I WANT YOU TO ASSIST ME TO CLAIM THIS MONEY AS I CANNOT CLAIM IT DIRECTLY BECAUSE I AM STILL A CIVIL SERVANT, AND THE CODE OF CONDUCT BUREAU FORBIDS ME TO ACQUIRE SUCH AMOUNT OF MONEY.
That's only one of them!
I can also help this dude:
May The Almighty God Give You The Wisdom To Understand My Predicament.
I, DAVE PHAROAH OKADIGBO,The Eldest Surviving Son Of Late Dr CHUBA OKADIGBO[May His Soul Rest In Peace]Hereby Solicit For Your Help. I Have A
Bussiness Proposal For You Which I Hope By The Special Grace Of God Will Be Beneficial To You And Me.This
Bussiness Proposal Is Not An Illusion But Achievable If Giving Your Maximum Support And co-operation.I Have
To Assure You That This Bussiness Proposal Is Risk Free. My Father[Dr Chuba Okadigbo]Was The Senate President
Of The Federal Republic Of Nigeria And Also The All Peoples Party Vice Presidential Flagbearer Of 2003
General Election In The Country Befor he was killed by this Wicked Government.On The Dying Days Of My
Father,He Confessed To Me Of About $1.5m[One Million ,Five Hundrend Thousand US Dollars] Kept In A
Financial Security Company And He Directed Me To Transfer This
Money To A Foreign Account Before The Government Knows Of It .My Mother And I Are Left With No Other Option
Than To Invest This Money Outside The Country Where It Will Be Safe. I Hereby Propose This To You If And Only
If I Can Count On You.
Dr. Buba Marwa has also contacted me, so I will quite soon be a millionaire. So long, suckers! Oh, I also won the lottery in the UK (in spite of never having purchased a ticket). It's funny -- the barrister in charge of lottery disbursements has a yahoo.com address. Weird, huh?
I believe that this scourge has visited my inbox due to the recent purchase of an item on eBay. I had to order this item to replace a gift that my retards ate. My Cheesy Toast watch!! Morons. Screw you, eBay. I don't like your commercials and I don't like that you sold my email address.
My new favorite commercial: the silent Kotex wrapper! For menstruating ninjas! Or something... Why, precisely, is this product necessary? The crinkling of the wrapper is so shameful? It gives your position away to predators? I would have loved to have been at the meeting where this concept was introduced. "My teen-aged daughter was taunted and beaten at school for mentstruating. Her wrapper was too loud. She's recovering in the hospital now, but we're going to have to move to Canada unless this issue can be solved." Jeezy Chreezy. Send her to the Bleedin' Hut like they do in civilized countries.4 comments so far