There are no bad owners, only bad dogs

2004-08-03

I'm a Katy whore

TV could save me if it wanted to. My nose could be a lot slimmer and a bit less productive. My ass could be slimmer and a bit less productive. My boobs could be perkie-fied. My house could be made rat-free and the gutter could be glued back on. Evan Farmer and Steve from Monster House could fight over me. Stacy and Clinton could tell me what not to wear. Or what to not wear. My hair could be returned to its original color, whatever that is. The hard spot could be removed from my liver. Someone could give me $5,000 to invest in myself, and if I bought booze with that money, well then, they could just air that episode during ďfamily-unfriendlyĒ hour. I bet Iíd make some fab-u-lous friends.

Why doesnít this happen? Maybe because Iím too lazy to apply to be on any of these makeover shows. Maybe itís because Iím not the right ďtypeĒ of person to be rehabilitated on TV. Maybe life just isnít fair. Probably the first.

Iíve been told that Iím a Katy whore. So? What if I am? I mean, who can resist the infinite appeal of the Pit Bull/Beagle mix? Youíve got all of the worst traits of both breeds, mixed into one incredibly cute, incredibly busy package. Do you know anyone else who has a calico dog, for fuckís sake? I donít. Do you know any other female dog who decided to lift her leg to pee and then taught herself to do it? I donít know anyone else on the planet who has 7 nipples. What about a 30-pound dog who takes on 3 chocolate labs (a combined weight of 160 pounds)? Scrappy. Whatís not to adore?

Tonight I decided to take a small measure of revenge on Carl the Nasty Neighbor. I walked past his house holding a bag of fresh, hot dog crap, and something just came over me. It doesnít really matter if you throw like a girl if youíre throwing dog shit and it hits the target.

I can't tell you how many times I've been sitting in my cubicle wondering "What's that horrible smell?" and then realized it was me. My cats went through a period of resentment that led to a lot of peeing on my clothes. I just found a small spot of anal gland juice on my shirt. I believe that the mommy cat left it there.

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